That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
