Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
