There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
