I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
