I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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