Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
