I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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