i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
