ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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