Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
