I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
