i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
