Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
