the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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