How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
