so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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