When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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