since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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