remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
