WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
