I can text with my tongue
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
