Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
