I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
