I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
