I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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