I wish I only lived at night.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have aggressive nipples.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
