I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
