I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
