I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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