And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
