I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
