so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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