honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
