My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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