It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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