Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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