Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
