I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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