what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
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how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF