I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
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I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
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Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.