I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?