The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Randomize
