Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
