Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
