At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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