I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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