Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
