yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
