My friends, they love my intelligence
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
