You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
