Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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