We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
