Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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