new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
