I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
