You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Please don't give away my fajitas
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
