I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
