Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she peed on how many people?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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