I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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