So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
