Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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