Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
