At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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